First post of 2012

I usually come here whenever I feel the need to vent to myself. Nobody really follows this blog and I hope it stays that way.

So I've got a problem. I haven't felt motivated to do anything, which is sad. I'm not the same person I was two years ago. I was sociable, likable and outgoing. Now I'm completely different. I'm quiet, unmotivated and shy.

I've got to change but how? It's up to me to take on that challenge. The only person that can do it is me. I'm already in the midst of taking up the task.

I'm gonna be taking down my facebook account for the summer. Hopefully amazon restocks soon on the piano keyboard I want. I also need to go job hunting but first I must muster up confidence. The only way is if I force myself into different situations. It's the only way I'm gonna learn.

Other than that, future self I hope you're way better than me right now.

P.S. fuck this italic shit.

It's been a while.

Since my last entry, I was happy, I was sad, it was a mix of moods. I'm taking a break from my girlfriend Lauren. I haven't even had the time to clear my mind because midterms are coming up.

At times, I feel lonely, like I need someone other than a friend to be my side. Then there are other moments, where I'm completely fine. I believe this is normal.

Knowing how I function, if Lauren were to start talking to me, I would probably take her back but that's the not best decision right now.

With this time apart, hopefully I will be able to come up with answer to all of this.

I'm frustrated, I'm venting.

These past few days have been weird. I haven't done much with my girlfriend. Whenever we do have the time, she becomes tired, so I let her off to sleep.

Today I just wanted do something sexual, not over the top though because she's still on her period. As I try to turn her on, it does not work. I immediately become turned off myself. Then she tries to go and turn me on, but I'm no longer in the mood. She becomes a bit frustrated and starts to complain. What am I suppose to do? She tells me I don't have to kiss her to turn her on, I know that shit! but when I tried to do anything else she wouldn't let me. A few minutes later she falls asleep, and wakes up again. Errrr, I don't know. I still like her though.

I'm in a reminiscent mood

It sucks.

I miss my best friend, I miss my family and I miss my girlfriend. :(

I don't even know what to call this.

I feel like the hardest thing I've ever done in my life is maintaining this relationship with my girlfriend Lauren.

If you don't have the maturity or patience for a long distance relationship, then don't do it. It has its' ups and downs. I'm not going back down from this though, I'm not that type of guy to run away from serious situations.

I just need to burn off some steam. There are somethings that Lauren does, which she doesn't notice she's doing, that annoys me. I can't change those things because then I would be a hypocrite, because there are actions that I do that annoy her.

Writing them down will make me feel better.

Like yesterday, I get on like around 12am just to see if Lauren is on so I could talk to her for a few minutes. We end up, talking until 1:40ish, I wanted to go to sleep, because I was getting tired but she wanted me to stay up. Yea I know me and her haven't been talking as much as we used, but she needs to get used to it! There will be times where we will not talking for a day or two because of our busy schedules.

Another thing is her need for constant reassurance, but I think that comes with every long distance relationship.

Ahhh, I'm done.

Long distance sucks.

There are so many physical and emotional limitations.

Sometimes I wonder if I can make it with my girlfriend. We don't go to the same school. I just have my moments where I like and miss her alot or I don't miss her at all.

I like being independent, but I'm start to feel like I'm depending on her too much to be happy. I don't know if I want to talk to her tonight, I currently have no desire to, maybe it'll change?

Hey hey hey.

I better find your lovin', I better find your heart. Soooooo I'm still getting use to the whole girlfriend thing. I really do miss Lauren. I want this relationship to work out, I want to be a better boyfriend, I think I'm up for that challenge.